the cougar of all cougars

so last night i was at the anchor bar having beers and conversation with loomis. when all of a sudden this cougar comes in the bar. she's the life of the party. she grabs the oldest fisherman she sees. he has the longest grayest beard, the dirtiest trucker cap and the plaidest jacket and is skinny and weathered as all hell.
they start dancing to the songs on amy's ipod. funnily enough it's a killers remix thats like 12 minutes long so loomis and i are just in awe at this spectacle. she starts throwing darts behind her back and licking the legs of chairs that are all ready on top of tables. gesturing to us you know. and she starts doing the robot and all that and loomis and i are convinced that this would be some type of epic youtube video, but only we are witnessing it.

so the song ends. and she comes up to us just speaking gibberish. but then, she looks at me, and i'm keeping a straight face, i've learned to keep a good poker face out here and she says "i've seen you around, i want you! i saw you at the reluctant, i saw you at the Alaskan, i saw you here last night, i've been watching you. you sit there all reserved and don't say word to anybody, i like that, i'll teach you all the things you think you think youre not." and i just nod. she starts to speak more gibberish and goes to the bar to buy me and loomis some drinks.

loomis gets up to check on his dog and thats when she goes in for the kill. i'm left alone with this beast. so she comes back with two beers and she speaks more gibberish leaning on mt just to make sure she's really showing me her goods. and says the same thing, "i saw you at the reluctant, i saw you at the alsakan, i saw you here last night, i've been watching you." so to fuck with her i cut her off. i say, "yeah, i've been watching you too." and she gets taken aback and she's all surprised. and she says, "do you know who i am? i'm cher's body double!" and she starts singing the lyrics to if you can turn back time in that terrible horse voice. i'm thinking this woman is absolutely nuts. by now loomis comes to have a seat. she says, "look at my ass! it's cher's ass! i'm 60!", singing the lyrics again, but this time changing the lyrics and making them all sexual. it's obviously not cher's ass either, she's got mommy jeans on which show off her saggy bottom and her belly pouch. so loomis starts laughing which distracts me and i start to smirk a little. she whips around and pulls the collar of my shirt,tearing my shirt, pulls me in close and says, "i got a house in anchorage, i have $400,000, i'm gonna make you my bitch!" loomis and i just breakdown laughing. the night goes on and on like this.
she is the cougar of all cougars.